Yes, yes, I know I know.
That whole "make peace with myself" thing and "stop trying to control everything trying to be better, faster, stronger". That one more thing is not the answer and that THE WAY OUT MAY IN FACT BE THROUGH GOING IN.
Last wednesday, my fatigue left me in a depressed state of anxious, useless restlessness. My body was beginning to show signs of injury from go go go and no repair. I was tired to the bone and I need to forgo my social & non-pressing work schedule and rest. BUT I SUCK AT REST. I can be tired to my core and that mean little voice inside will advocate for one more thing before bed so "the day wasn't a waste" and I am allowed to feel "good enough."
My right knee was literally sidelining me to the couch and I was resentful. I HATE MISSING OUT. The truth is, I also hate when the motion stops and the inner sadness has a chance to creep up to be dealt with. I know I'm not doing the work fully to process and release early pains but WHO HAS TIME FOR THAT?
My body had decided i was going to make time for it. And so I felt shitty allllllll day yesterday. The hopelessness, despair, worst case scenarios, mean thoughts all took their turns smacking me around. And I let them. I acknowledged what was happening without fully buying into it. When it got tough, I called my lil sis and told her I was tantruming like a tired infant and would be pleased if she knew where i could find the off switch. She laughed and said, "I'll get right on that... and if you find it before me, call me first."
So yesterday I decided to FEEL the annoying, the uncomfortable, the painful - and face whatever my manic-ness is always running from- In full disclosure, I was only doing it because my body refused to keep running. Baby steps right?
It wasn't near as scary as I originally thought. I made peace with the truth that i need rest, scheduled dliberate rest. And that there is great strength in healing and resting to come back stronger and clearer.
Working on making peace with myself... in between lattes and overs-cheduled Mondays. Well, at least I did it yesterday. Baby steps right?
Here is an unbelievable TED Talk about shame & being trapped in our own mean minds: http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame
YOU DESERVE TO FEEL GOOD
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GETHSH is a wellness blog dedicated to researching the variables in the formula to feeling good. All suggestions should be reviewed with your licensed practitioner and taken on your own free will.